Hyperbole from the Under-Caffeinated

Right after the Spouse dropped an egg on the kitchen floor this morning:

Spouse: You're making me nervous!
500Jerk: Wait--you're saying it's MY fault you just dropped that egg?
Spouse: Yes!
500Jerk: How can that be my fault? You dropped it.
Spouse: You're too close to me. You're FOLLOWING me. And you're being critical.
500Jerk: And that caused you to drop the egg?
Spouse: Yes!
500Jerk: Just so you know--that makes no sense.
Spouse (leaping into air and landing on my toes): See? Doesn't that make you nervous?
500Jerk: But you LEAPT at me. And you're standing on my FEET.
Spouse: So, you see what I mean. Right? Right?

Eloise Meets the Spicy Ladies

I read Eloise to Boy Wonder last night, and if ever there was a female counterpart to my mischievous, high-energy seven year-old prankster son, it is the entertainingly naughty Eloise. As you may remember, Eloise wreaks havoc in the Plaza by sklonking her roller skates down the hotel hallways, badgering room service for "a strawberry leaf and two raisins," running the elevators unnecessarily, and generally being a nuisance in the Plaza lobby. Naturally, Boy Wonder loved the book, especially the part at the end, where Eloise contemplates pouring water down the Plaza mail chute the next day. "I want to read about the NEXT day, Mom," he said, as I tucked him in.

A breakfast discussion of Eloise this morning then led to this conversation:

Spouse: If you had a girlfriend, Buddy, it would be Eloise. Definitely.
Boy Wonder: No, Dad. If YOU had a girlfriend it would be Eloise.
500Jerk: Hey! Dad already has a girlfriend. It's me.
Boy Wonder: Well, he can have other girlfriends. Girlfriends other than you.
Boy Wonder and 500Jerk: [chorus] LIKE THE LADIES AT THE SPICE RACK! THE LADIES AT THE SPICE RACK!
Spouse: [slightly embarrassed silence]
Boy Wonder and 500Jerk: [paying no attention; shouting at each other] JINX! JINX! JINX!

Here's the thing about a breakfast conversation Chez 500Jerk: You need to exercise extreme caution in introducing any topic. Because, really? You never know where it might lead.

Dabbling in Senility

Breakfast this morning, Chez 500Jerk:

Spouse: Hey, let's go to Sweet Ps Friday night.

500Jerk [blearily]: Oh, Sweet Ps. I love that place. You know you can get a coupon for there. [suddenly remembering] No--wait. I told you that yesterday. We had this exact conversation. OH MY GOD, I AM TURNING INTO AN ELDERLY PERSON.

Spouse: [snickers]

Miss M: No, you're not, Mom. You're just turning into a VERY experienced mom.

Miss M's reassurances aside, NEED TO PULL IT TOGETHER.

What Passes for Breakfast Conversation in East Tennessee: Destinations

500Jerk Spouse (all business): I've got to go to Georgia.

Me (mischievously): Well, I'VE got to go to Paris.

Miss M (not missing a beat): Well, I'VE got to go to Dollywood.

Priorities, priorities.

What Passes for Breakfast Conversation in East Tennessee

500Jerk Spouse: Do you know anyone who wants some moonshine?
500Jerk: No.
Miss M: What's moonshine?
500Jerk: Liquor you make at home.
Miss M (chewing thoughtfully): Hunh.