Thursday, August 14, 2008

Never Events

Medicare has a new rule that it won't pay for injuries resulting from unforgivable incidents called "Never Events." An example of a Never Event is an infection caused by your sleep-deprived surgeon forgetting a sponge inside your body cavity and sewing you up. Gross, right? It happens enough, though, that your federal government thinks the threat of nonpayment will help cure the problem. (Because a malpractice suit with unlimited punitive damages and public shaming apparently are not enough.)

At any rate, I think the phrase is kind of catchy, so I've come up with a few of my own Never Events. They aren't gory, just a list of activities in which I am strongly incentivized not to participate.


The 500Jerk Never Event List
1. Attending an entire football game or any kind of NASCAR event without a book.
2. Eating anything from Krystal.
3. Voluntarily shopping at Wal-Mart.
4. Reading a Thomas Pynchon novel.
5. Drinking regular Coca-Cola.
6. Firing a gun.
7. Eating Scrapple. Let's just make that, "Eating offal of any kind."
8. Singing in public (subject to a caroling exception).
9. Reading Disney books to my children.
10. Carrying enough cash to buy a pack of gum.

And do you have any Never Events? Do tell.

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