Up Close and Personal

Hyperbole from the Under-Caffeinated

Right after the Spouse dropped an egg on the kitchen floor this morning:

Spouse: You're making me nervous!
500Jerk: Wait--you're saying it's MY fault you just dropped that egg?
Spouse: Yes!
500Jerk: How can that be my fault? You dropped it.
Spouse: You're too close to me. You're FOLLOWING me. And you're being critical.
500Jerk: And that caused you to drop the egg?
Spouse: Yes!
500Jerk: Just so you know--that makes no sense.
Spouse (leaping into air and landing on my toes): See? Doesn't that make you nervous?
500Jerk: But you LEAPT at me. And you're standing on my FEET.
Spouse: So, you see what I mean. Right? Right?

Honey, I Love You, Truly I Do

I love my husband. He's s smart, funny, and on the ball. But if the following conversation isn't plain evidence of why women value sisterly chats, I don't know what is.

Me: I think I’m having a mid-life crisis.
Him: Hunh.
Me: All of a sudden I want fame, power, fortune, and recognition, but here I am, toiling in obscurity.
Him: But you LIKE toiling in obscurity.
Me: I do?
Him: Yes. You do.
Me: I don’t think that’s true.
Him: It’s really hard not to eat this chicken I’m staring at.
Me: What?
Him: I'm very hungry.
Me: That sounds . . . important.
Him: Well, it's true.
Me: OK, GOODBYE.

'Tis the Season

For liquid diabetes, that is.

Given that we haven't yet had Thanksgiving, and Christmas cannot truthfully be characterized as just around the corner, what is egg nog doing on the grocery shelves already?

Not that there aren't takers. In fact, I'm familiar with at least one who would gladly drink the stuff in the heat of July.

I think we all know who I'm talking about.

Zotz How Much I Love You

For Father's Day this year, the unusually thoughtful nine year-old Miss M bought her dad a pound of Zotz, a retro candy with a sour-fizzy center that he loves.

Naturally, we all had to have one, and the 500Jerk family made quite a picture waiting for an impromptu Father's Day lunch at The Tomato Head, our faces twisted with the sourness of Zotz. They are so good it's hard to stop with just one. There's orange, grape, cherry, apple, and lemon. All delicious.

If you haven't tried Zotz, I highly recommend you do.

Leader of the Pack Campaign: Skirmish #1

Me: So what do you think about getting a third dog?

Spouse (in Crackberry trance): I don't . . . think about it.

Me (faux casual): Well, what would you think if I got another dog?

Spouse (snaps out of it, glaring): I didn't know we were permitted to get dogs without permission from each other.

Me (innocently): Yes, that's why I'm asking.

Spouse (turning back to Crackberry): No.

Me: No, what?

Spouse (impatiently): No, I do not want another dog. No, I do not want you to get another dog.

Me: Hmmm . . . OK, sweetie. 'Night.

The battle lines have been drawn. Now, let the games begin!

Father's Day

To the best dad we know:

Happy Father's Day!

Love always,
Miss M, Boy Wonder & 500Jerk

Man of Mystery

As I was doing a little re-org of the blog, I realized that I rarely write about the 500Jerk Spouse.

Now. Let's be clear on the why of this. The Spouse is intensely private. This is a man who deflects almost all personal questions. He prefers to fly beneath the radar. Or go completely incognito. I've rarely written about him because I know he would hate it.

So if you want to know something about him, you'll need to ask him directly.

But don't expect any answers.

BREAKING NEWS: Yeti Spotting in Lake Hills

A yeti, cousin to Bigfoot, was spotted for the first time this season on Circle Lake Drive in Lake Hills. Eyewitness accounts confirm this yeti is large and ponderous, favoring traditional garb marked with holes and stains. It walks heavily, stopping frequently to stretch and strike alarming poses.

Despite its many stops and measured pace, the yeti is curiously impatient. It does not wait for small children. It has no patience with dogs. It often complains about the heat. For the most part, however, yetis are known to be quite friendly. The Circle Lake yeti may insist on holding your hand while walking the street. It also points out wildlife with which it is familiar and, through its shouts of recognition, communicates a hope that you share its enthusiasm for the common grey squirrel.

As yet unconfirmed reports indicate that yetis have an indefatigable sweet tooth and feed voraciously late at night. Persons living in or near the Circle Lake area should take steps to hide their Scharffen-Berger and rugelach, perhaps leaving as a decoy a five-pound bag of Nestle chocolate chips from Kroger's overstock bin. EXERCISE EXTREME CAUTION in confronting this yeti about its eating habits; these confrontations typically lead only to lashing out, fits of pique, and intensified feeding.

Although traveling Circle Lake Drive is currently safe, we at 500Jerk will keep you informed if the situation changes.