Dear Middle-Aged White Lady in the Decidedly Unsexy Gym Shorts,
Amiga, you came late to our Thursday Zumba class at the downtown Y thinking it would be fun, no? Maybe shake that white booty to a Latin beat, burn off those late afternoon M&Ms, hmmmm? Lover, no. No. No. No. You have no rhythm. Your hips--they are so stiff. And your legs--Dios mio, they are so . . . white. No, you are not a Zumba dancer. Zumba dancers are sleek and strong, LIKE LATIN PANTHERS. Their black hair whips over their tanned shoulders as they gyrate and pulse to Shakira. They wear form-fitting clothes that accentuate their curves and show their sexy moves. They are LIKE ONE with the music. But you--you with your baggy gym teacher shorts who trips over her legs and has arms like spaghetti noodles. YOU are not a dancer of Zumba. Zumba is for LOVERS. Perhaps--for you--the Jazzercise program. I hear it is very nice, very enjoyable for the older ladies. For your own safety, OK? Your dignity, hmmmm?
Consider it, amiga.
A Concerned Zumba Dancer