Dear The Economist,
Let me be frank: I don't think our relationship is working. Though I forsook The Week in hopes that I would benefit from your more serious and thorough take on the happenings in this tidal economy, I find that in all this global upheaval what I really want are . . . some human interest stories. Also, discussions of fabulous real estate finds and potential travel destinations. Yet you, my friend, never waver from the extremely serious. You have no human interest stories, no celebrity gossip, no news of the weird, and even the few book reviews you have are of dull intellectual publications I will never read. Any enjoyment I glean from your weekly is found in the employment classifieds, which advertise for CEOs of think tanks in Zimbabwe or executive leaders of Swiss nonprofits. I try to imagine who of The Economist's readers responds to these ads, if anyone. And if I did, what my life in Zimbabwe or Switzerland would be like: the phenomenal lack of business skills that would quickly become apparent if I took the job, the weather, the flies, the language barriers. But really, even these fantasies are less interesting to me than whether Katie Holmes is happy in her marriage and whether Angelina Jolie drinks human blood.
In short, I do not think we are a match.
So, my friend, I believe it would be better for us to go our separate ways. I have renewed my relationship with The Week, and though it is lighter fare to be sure, it has what I need: last week's news watered down with recipes, celebrity news, book reviews, and always, always, a human interest story or two. I think we will be happy together.
I wish you luck. Somewhere, out there, is the right match for you, someone who can appreciate you and give you the focused attention you need. I'm sorry it didn't work out between us, but as it turns out, I'm just not serious enough for you. You deserve more.