Dear Downtown Library,
Thank you for the nice reminder about my son's overdue book, Titanic. I like your e-mail service; it's very handy. But I have no idea where this Titanic book is. In fact, I don't recall ever seeing it. It's possible my son borrowed it when he was on a field trip with his school. But even he can't remember.
And you know what? I'm tired of paying for library books. This is the third library book in a year that the smaller members of my tribe have "lost." I'm starting to suspect this is part of some library racket where the librarian assigns unaccompanied minors to books the library no longer wants. So parents will pay for them. Then the library can buy new books, books that are actually appropriate for children. Because here's the thing: THERE IS NO REASON FOR A SIX YEAR-OLD TO READ ABOUT THE TITANIC. Other than to stoke irrational fears of boats, icebergs, and steerage class.
But you know that already, don't you? I bet you've been pawning off new reader books on Hiroshima and flu pandemics all year, haven't you? I am SO onto you. But lucky for you, I'm not so principled that I won't cut a deal. In fact, I'll refrain from exposing your sordid little book-switch scheme in exchange for this pesky matter of the Titanic going away. It's a fair trade, considering the damage you might've inflicted on my six year-old's psyche.
I mean, steerage class, for lord's sake: OH, THE HORROR.