Monday, October 12, 2009

Halloween Is Rated R

Miss M, Boy Wonder, and I set out yesterday in search of Halloween costumes. We visited four stores, and in our ultimately fruitless peregrinations, happened on some seriously inappropriate costumes for the eight and under set, including:

1. Monster Bride
2. Cheerless Leader (a dead cheerleader)
3. Elegant Bride (with white polyester dress, rhinestone tiara, and fake bouquet)
4. Bride of Satan
5. Army Man (with machine gun)
6. Scarlet (a pirate slut)
7. Hot Devil (red halter top, sequined hot pants, and horns)

Choices, choices, choices.

In addition to running the usual gauntlet of hideous plastic Halloween items emitting screeches and smoke, this year we also witnessed in plain view a pair of gigantic rubber breasts with outsized flesh-toned nipples. And did you know that Playboy now makes adult Halloween costumes? If the various crypt creatures and fake body parts don't deter you, Playboy pretty much makes whole sections of these stores off-limits for children.

After striking out at the fourth store, I successfully bribed Boy Wonder to be Soccer Boy. For $25, he is willing to wear his AYSO soccer uniform, shin guards, and cleats. With the money, he'll be able to buy a Lego set that will thrill him more than any costume ever would. And given that costumes now run in the $24.99-$59.99 range, it's a good deal for me.

But Miss M cannot be bribed, and only a storebought costume will satisfy.

I'm afraid.

Very, very afraid.

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